THE 411

Iyaaa. So why are you here? Base, maybe you're an alcoholic and whiskey drew you in? Are you obsessed with dicks? Or do you have one (if so, then congratu-fucking-lations)? Or maybe you are a self-absorbed, ego-centric, masturbating recluse looking to find your people. If so, yep. Well done. You've come to right place.

Thursday, 20 December 2012


Hey bitch,

It's Jackie again. So I've been thinking, being alone for a while could really do me some good, you know? Like, I feel like I'm really finding myself now. For instance, today I went to the shop across the road and bought some white mugs and painted them with nail varnish. I told my mum that I'd made the mugs myself. She was well impressed (like I said, I'm an artist). But I've since decided (two hours ago) that my true calling might be photography. Like earlier, when I was in the bath washing off all of the nail varnish fumes, I played some CocoRosie from my laptop and got the webcam up to take a photo of me pulling a vacant face that said, "I'm pure but you've broken me". It's such a beaut. I might even have to give it to my ma for Christmas, since she's always banging on about how I should start expressing myself creatively. DUH. 

However, there are some complications with this new life of celibacy I have chosen for myself. You see, I've recently discovered that if I bend across my desk and stick my head out of the window to smoke, I can stop my room from stinking of cigarettes. This also means that my body is displayed in a totally hot, provocative manner, so maybe I should get a boyfriend who can fuck me from behind while I enjoy my cigarette out of the window. Of course, my desk is pretty low, which means the boy would have to be kinda short - and apart from Jerry (my ex-sailor boy), I don't really know any fuckable shawtiez. Problem with Jerry is that there really is no appropriate way of telling someone you want to get back with them just so you can try out this new sexarette position (sex cigarette position). (Should I apply to write for Cosmo? Discuss.) 

Really and truly though, I should continue this journey of falling in love with myself instead. This includes masturbating copious amounts, writing 'YOU ARE RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL; I'D FUCK YOU' all over my mirror and reading inspirational quotes on Tumblr. And let's face it, I have a lot of reason to love myself: sometimes I don't think so, but then I remember that I'm like, actually super clever. Sometimes when I'm feeling like a real bitch, I look up Uni League tables to see Jerry's ranking at 93 standing so pathetically behind my bold, sexy figure of 7. (Of course then I remember that I haven't been in a lecture in a week because I discovered that I can have self-induced three-minute-long orgasms and I just feel like crying...then this realisation just leads me to masturbating again). It's a vicious cycle. But I'll get there, one day a time. Just like Tumblr says. 

Love x


  1. I have never been more confused by a blog.

  2. Hellooo. Why are you so confused? MUCH LOVE x